This is coming a few days late, I realize, but both me and Katie have been incredibly sick the past few days and I've just not been able to get to my computer. During this time, from the luxury of my iPad while dying in bed, I've witnessed numerous accounts of people calling me sexist, misogynistic, chauvinistic, and even possibly a rapist in response to a silly article I wrote for Kotaku about how I had sex with a girl once on a Sonic bed. Time to defend myself.

First off, for those of you who aren't aware, I wrote an article for Kotaku entitled [offsite-url=http://kotaku.com/5888677/how-i-achieved-greatness-on-a-sonic-the-hedgehog+themed-bed]"How I Achieved Greatness on a Sonic the Hedgehog Themed Bed"[/offsite-url]. It was a satirical piece pointing out how stereotypical gamers like to brag about shit that doesn't really matter in the end. AFTER THAT SENTENCE I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF ANY FURTHER AS THAT SEALS THE DEAL, BUT I SHALL CONTINUE.

While here on the Burger Joint I'll often post funny stories for the sake of posting funny stories, I did that Kotaku article just to make fun of gamers who take pride in stuff that really doesn't matter. Most of the people missed the joke, the article itself wasn't meant to be a laugh riot, it was meant to make you step back and look at gamer culture and realize how silly the gamer stereotype is. "BREAKING NEWS: NERD HAS SEX" That's essentially the gist of it.

What happened after the article went up can only be described as the biggest overreaction since George Lucas receiving death threats over The Phantom Menace. People were going absolutely ape shit on Twitter saying how sexist and misogynistic I was, how it's an outrage that the article even got published, how Kotaku's really lowered their standards, it was INCREDIBLE. People were even dissecting the stories on my website and laying out claims that I'm a rapist because in one story I said how I got the girl to admit that she wanted to have sex with me. Apparently I was "pressuring" her which means I raped her. Last time I checked rape is when you run up to someone, grab them, and force your cock somewhere inside them uncomfortably. What I did was called "making sure she wanted to do it". How the Hell else do you have sex? Am I supposed to wait for the girl to jump on me and have her way with me? Isn't that rape though? Oh wait, just like how there's no such thing as racism towards white people, a man can't be raped by a woman. Silly me.

Other people were saying I was a horrible person for writing a story about a girl that she'll have to read and feel embarrassed for. "Oh, that poor girl, how is she going to show her face in public now?" Newsflash: I DIDN'T USE HER REAL NAME. I DIDN'T USE ANY NAME. I DIDN'T EVEN PUBLISH IT UNDER MY REAL NAME. Kris Kail is a pseudonym. Also, she was well aware that I was a comedian and that I did shit like this before it even happened, and she still had sex with me!

Let's take a serious look at my article. The whole time I talk about the girl I said nothing but nice things about her, and above all else, I mentioned how she wasn't a nerd but found it endearing that I was. There was a mutual attraction going on between too like-minded adults. She came to my place, laughed at my room, and then we had consensual sex. I am not a rapist, but if you're a long time Kail fan obviously I don't need to tell you that.

There are three types of people who read my article: those who thought I was a pig and wanted me dead, those who understood what I was saying and just didn't find it funny, and those who loved it. To those who loved it, I thank you. To those who understood it, and just didn't like it, I thank you too for at least giving it a shot. To those who hated it because they didn't understand it and just want to hate - go fuck yourselves and die in a barrel of bees. You're not my audience.

Am I mad about the controversy? No. Am I mad that I bombed in front of 38,000 people? No, because I didn't bomb in front of 38,000 people, just two-thirds of that 38,000. Probably not even that much. The site got a boatload of traffic the day the article went up, and even after that it's still chuggin' along strong. I jumped from just under 1,000 followers on Twitter to 6,000. I'm obviously doing pretty well for myself. I also sold a bunch of copies of Slacker's Paradise.

If you follow my Twitter (which you should), you'd see exactly how I reacted when it happened. I retweeted every tweet from every angry person, I even got Destructoid's Jim Sterling to call me a sleaze-ball. If you'll recall, Jim Sterling has been a HIGHLY controversial figure in gaming journalism because he's a highly-opinionated asshole. My specific beef with him was that he'd given Sonic Colors, the first truly great Sonic game since 1994, a 4.5 out of 10, and then not 6 months later accepted a one out of 1,000, unavailable to the public, Sonic the Hedgehog 20th Anniversary statue from SEGA.

"Kotaku's story about 'getting laid' is why I see every one of Kotaku's stories about sexism and LGBT stuff as cynically insincere." [offsite-url=https://twitter.com/#!/JimSterling/status/174282783580106752]Jim Sterling talking about my article.[/offsite-url]

"Hey, Jim. Glad you liked my article. Would you rate it a 4.5/10 like you did Sonic Colors?" [offsite-url=https://twitter.com/#!/DudeGurlz/status/174290913504399360]My Response.[/offsite-url]

"I gotta give @DudeGurlz his due. Me giving a videogame a below average score *is* far sleazier than his Kotaku article." [offsite-url=https://twitter.com/#!/JimSterling/status/174300087357407234]Jim's indirect reply, ripe with sarcasm.[/offsite-url] "Glad he remembers my article over a year after the fact though, a sentiment I *cannot* say will be true on my end." [offsite-url=https://twitter.com/#!/JimSterling/status/174300412084629504]Again.[/offsite-url] He knew what I was talking about, so obviously he remembers.

The reason why I'm bringing up what people've said about my article is because there have been NUMEROUS attempts at cashing-in on the controversy. Some low-level bloggers have been writing articles bashing me for being exactly what I wrote the article against, as well as people claiming I'm outright unfunny. That last part, alright, I can't fight that. Everyone's got an opinion on what's funny and what's not funny, but the fact that people are literally trying to cash-in on the controversy, that's what's pissing me off. I refuse to reveal who they are as I don't want their tactics to work in their favor, but I will say that there were a few who stand out in my mind.

By the way, my article only reached 38,000 views BECAUSE of the outrage. Most Kotaku articles reach around 1,000 to 5,000 views, but mine quadrupled that. Why? Because everyone on Twitter crying and saying "I DON'T WANT TO GIVE KOTAKU THE VIEWS BUT THIS KID TALKED ABOUT HAVING SEX ON A SONIC BED." If nobody had complained about it, the whole thing would've been a bust and I wouldn'tve sold as many books as I've sold.

Honestly, I didn't think this whole thing would've been a big deal. I expected a few thumbs up, sell maybe ten copies of the book, and then people forget about it, but this thing has blown up to a level beyond what I expected. Feels good man.

tl;dr - I wrote a piece as a satire on stereotypical gamers, and stereotypical idiots took it literally.